yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
