no, he came in my armpit
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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