Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
