Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
