I think my fart just growled at me.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
