I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you inspire me to be a worse person
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
