how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
