The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my being single is dangerous.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
