Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
