...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
