This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Randomize
