Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
