ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
