you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
