and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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