Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
