He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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