Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
