i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
