I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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