This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
