One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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