Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
