Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
