And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
