next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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