I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
