He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
