8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
handjob tips. give me some.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
