That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
