doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
