Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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