i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
