I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
