One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
