i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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