I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
