I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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