I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
