I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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