so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
