i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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