You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
