The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
