mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
