We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
