Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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