Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
