New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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