Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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